STEVON LEWIS
Episode 7 : Imposter Syndrome and Setting Boundaries with Stevon Lewis
“I don’t put on airs for people and I’m not trying to impress. I’ve got to like myself and everything else will fall into place as it needs to.”
On today’s episode I welcome Stevon Lewis, one of my favorite people to talk to. Stevon is a licensed psychotherapist based in Englewood, CA who specializes in working with people with Imposter Syndrome. Stevon has a passion for people who are doing amazing things in their life but for a variety of reasons, struggle to connect with that success. This disconnect is known as Imposter Syndrome.
Stevon shares a pivotal moment in his childhood that clarified what it means to be a Black man, how he sets healthy boundaries, how his stature has affected his approach to those around him, and how he has learned to communicate the language of loss.
A Pivotal Moment
Lewis shares an interesting story of how he came to understand his place in the world as a Black man. As a young boy he was part of a magnet school program in Los Angeles, CA which allowed him to attend a school outside of his neighborhood. Because of this program, he attended a school in Hollywood Hills where there were far fewer Black kids than the previous school he went to.
“In third grade, I was exposed to a lot of things others weren’t, but I was also exposed to the idea that I was Black and the rules were different for me.”
In fourth grade, he realized that the discipline he received for behavior was different from the discipline his White peers received for the exact same behavior. “It’s a small thing and when that gets reinforced in different ways, continuously, the message becomes really clear.” says Lewis.
Learning to Accept Himself and Reflecting on What Shaped Him
After attending a predominantly White grade school, he realized that he didn’t feel like he fit in when he returned to his neighborhood in junior high. “I went from not fitting in one place because I was Black to coming back to another place and being ‘too White’” sayd Lewis. “I was getting good grades and not fitting in with how they expected me to look as a big guy.”
“My brain works differently and always has.” says Lewis. “As an adult and a therapist, I looked back and realized, I had to make a choice whether to be what people expected me to be or accept myself and push forward. If the rules are going to be different for me anyway, then why should I try so hard to conform. I can do what I need to do - for me, and let the cards fall where they may.”
Stevon shares how he acted out by being the class clown and talking in class but managed to get good grades and do well in school. He shares that he isn’t an angry or violent person but understands that his large stature leads to preconceptions about how he was expected to act, even to this day.
“I’m hyper aware of it. People are going to have prejudices and inferences of me based on my look.” says Lewis. “I placate a bit to what they want to be and smile a bit more to let them know I’m not threatening. I give people space and am respectful in my word choice. I can’t control people so I’m not trying to make people accept me. I am just trying to be aware of my behavior, not to make you feel better, but so I don’t have to deal with your nonsense.”
Healthy Boundaries and Finding Space for Grief
Lewis and I discuss how he learned to set healthy boundaries with those around him. “I don’t really get mad when other people behave in ways that I don’t like. I say ‘I need to implement a boundary with this person’ and I take away the privilege and access they had to me.”
Stevon stresses that this doesn’t mean building a wall every time someone harms you, but instead, understanding the root of the problem and changing his behavior to protect his time and happiness. “The things that happened in my life shaped me but also prepared me for things to come,” says Stevon.
He shares how experiencing loss at an early age helped him deal with losses later in life. Although he may not have had the language and understanding to communicate his feelings at 17 years old, as an adult and a therapist, he can share that he is hurting and struggling and that is normal and acceptable.
“I hurt and I cry sometimes but I don’t feel bad about it.” says Stevon. “The beauty of the experience I’ve had and the silver lining is that it shaped me to be okay showing up as me.”
Stevon shares that by sharing what he misses about those he has lost, it helps disarm people from feeling they have to jump in and help. “I don’t want you to feel like you need to attend to me, that’s not what I need right now. But also I don’t want you to feel like you need to move me past something.”
How He Found His Passion
Lewis shares how working with people struggling with Imposter Syndrome became his passion and why. He also explains what he feels contributes to the Imposter Syndrome that Black men experience.
“When black men are doing something out of the stereotype or the typecast of what Black men do or don’t do it causes them to question if they are doing things wrong.” says Lewis. “Being in an environment where their existence isn’t affirmed causes them to think ‘maybe I don't have what it takes.”
Stevon’s explains that because he learned to accept himself and his gifts and flaws at a young age, it has motivated and equipped him to assist others in seeing their gifts and potential as well.
Stevon’s Final Words: “You can be confident in the fact you can do ‘X’ thing.” When you begin to doubt yourself, Lewis suggests “Don’t question yourself, question the environment.”
To Connect further with Stevon Lewis
Visit his website: www.stevonlewis.com
Follow Stevon on Instagram Stevon Lewis, LMFT (@stevonlewismft) • Instagram photos and videos
Check out Stevon’s new podcast How to Talk to (High Achievers) About Anything
To connect further with me:
Visit my website www.estherboykin.com
Follow me on Instagram www.instagram.com/estherbmft
Follow me on Twitter @estherbmft
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